Laura glanced at the clock again and saw it was 3.30 am. Brad was not home—he was off drinking with the “boys” again.
Laura was starting to despise Friday nights because they were now Brad’s nights to go off with his mates and enjoy himself, but Laura was not invited. Brad never told her where he was going, and he would come home in the early hours of the morning intoxicated and belligerent. Then Saturday would be a cycle of arguments and bouts of angry silence.
It had not always been like this. When Laura and Brad first met, they always went out on Friday night as their date night. Now three years later, Laura was by herself while Brad went out with his “mates”. What had started off as a once a month catch-up was now a once-a-week event.
Laura convinced herself that it was good for him to have space and spend time with his friends. In fact, Brad had encouraged Laura to go out on Friday nights with her own friends.
But Laura did not want this. She wanted to spend her Friday nights with Brad and enjoy their date nights once again. Laura had tried to talk to Brad about how she felt only to be told that she was being selfish and jealous. He insisted that he deserved to have fun with the boys.
Laura’s options were either to break off the relationship or let this behaviour continue. Laura reasoned that even though Brad was not the perfect partner, what he wanted was not unreasonable.
So was born the story of “it’s not that bad”—and Laura’s pattern of compromising her own needs.
We all have been in a position where we have compromised by accepting behaviour or circumstances that we don’t like in order to keep the peace. It may be in relationships or at work where we have felt that we can’t get what we want and have lowered our expectations.
We have all told ourself elaborate stories of why it is ok to have our needs go unmet and why we must compromise. However, in most cases, these stories are fictional with just hints of truth.
Whilst compromising is necessary at times, the danger of doing so constantly is that we lose our integrity and sense of self, trading for the promise of love or acceptance in return.
This can lead to always second-guessing yourself and your decisions. In time, it can lead you to being unable to trust in yourself and your abilities, sapping your passions and letting your resentment grow.
This week’s challenge is to look at areas in your life where you find yourself constantly over-compromising. Is it for love? Or acceptance? Have you settled and compromised because you’re scared of what’s out there? Do you think that you won’t find better, or even know how to find it? Be honest with yourself and ask the hard questions.
For knowing yourself and knowing the things that give your life meaning is the best way to avoid over-compromising.
Remember, it is ok to honour and respect what you want. It is ok to have your needs met. And it is ok to be selfish and love yourself first. What is NOT ok is to believe that “it is not that bad” and lose your integrity, your passion and your sense of self.
Learn to accept that you are worth and deserve more. Be true to yourself and refuse to sacrifice who and what you are, no matter what prize you may receive in return.
Forever creating
Deborah Ruth
