Mark was so happy just drawing with his new crayons. He was drawing his cars and his trains and the long railway track, which he decided to colour bright red.
He was so engrossed in his drawing that he did not hear his mother stomping down the hallway until he heard her loud and angry voice: “Stop drawing on the wall!”
Stunned, Mark immediately stopped drawing and turned to face her. She had reached him by now, and he could tell that she was angry. She told him that drawing on the wall was wrong, and that he was naughty. In a sharp tone, she asked him how she was ever going to get the crayon marks off the wall.
Tears welled up in Mark’s eyes, and he started to cry. He really didn’t know why his mother was yelling at him. Why was she so angry? Why was she asking him all these questions that he did not know the answers to?
At three years of age, all Mark knew was that his mother was very angry at him, and he felt that she did not love him anymore.
Early in life, we all learn that there is behaviour that earns our parents’ love and approval, and there is behaviour that earns their disapproval and what seems to be a withdrawal of love. Many of us learn that there are conditions placed upon whether or not we are approved—and thereby loved.
This is the beginning of the story of conditional love, and seeking approval through our behaviour.
We all want approval. Each and every one of us wants to feel loved—and be loved. That is a basic need of all human beings.
But continually seeking this approval and love from others—which begins with our parents, and then other significant individuals in our lives—can lead to a never-ending carousel of hurt, pain, and disappointment as we constantly try to live up to the standards and conditions imposed upon us by others.
We start to lose our sense of who we truly are as we conform to the standards of acceptability and what people expect.
It is this “living to the expectations” of others that makes us feel so miserable, so unworthy, and so unloved. A life like this makes us feel as if we don’t measure up, as if we are not good enough to be loved.
In our pursuit of others’ love and acceptance, many of us have forgotten that we need to approve and love ourselves first. We must first appreciate how amazing we are, and give ourselves the gift unconditional love. This means that despite what we may have done it the past, regardless of how many times we have failed, none of it takes away from how wonderful we truly are. Nothing can diminish the amazing gifts we all possess, and the unlimited potential that resides in all of us.
When we learn to see ourselves through those eyes, we do not need to seek the approval and love from others to know that we are enough. We are loved (and loveable) because we feel love and approval from within ourselves.
So today’s challenge is to affirm to your love for yourself throughout the day. You can do so whilst looking into a mirror, or whenever you catch your reflection. Look deep into your own eyes, breathe deeply, and say the words:
I love you.
I approve of you.
(Your name), you are enough and you are loveable.
It is best to repeat these words aloud, but if the situation does not allow for it, repeat them to yourself in your mind.
You may feel silly, or not believe what you are saying, and this is ok. It is an indication that you do not believe you are deserving of approval and love. Know that you are deserving. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be surrounded by love, and you deserve to live a wonderful life.
Keep doing these affirmations—each day, every day—and listen to the affirmation meditations until you start to believe them and they become part of your identity.
Deborah Ruth
Storyteller
